Hello mortals.
This is my attempt at a serious post. We are gathered here today, dearly beloved, to talk about relationships and all that emotional gay stuff. So yeah, uhm… yeah. Uhm…
So when you’re in a relationship, you have to uhm…
*sigh*
You guys are all clowns. You gave the one guy that can’t take anything serious one of the most serious topics in this generation of youths and you expected him to make good of it?
I laugh…in…well, I just laugh.
Freaking jokers…
What do I know about relationships? I’ve had 17 failed ones so far, I’m worse than most of you combined. If you’ve failed WAEC 17 times, you don’t exactly qualify to lecture Post UME. Oh well, I still have to write something, so draw inspiration people, I will only be saying this once.
Well, writing….
I am immortal. But I will try to put myself in the shoes of some of you dispensables and write down some rules and regulations for you humans to follow.
You’re welcome. Mortals…
What Guys Want
See it’s really simple with me. Don’t change. That’s all I ask. If you’s a simple ho, don’t become complicated when you get in with me. If you’s complicated, don’t become a simple bitch. Aite?
Dassal…
What Girls Want
Don’t ever forget my birthday. Or our anniversary. Probably the worst thing you can ever do to this body is to forget when it was birthed. Nigga is you crazy!? No fellatio for you. Don’t try it.
Don’t ignore me when your folks around When your homeboys are in the vicinity and you act like I’m invisible, or I don’t matter, I will look among these homeboys you’re trying to impress, and do the same thing. Effectively. Don’t try it.
Mind explaining why you got up and left when you needed to answer that phone call? What you gotta say huh? (‘-‘ ) Huh? ( `-`) Don’t try it. Matter-of-fact, why do you have a lock on your phone? Don’t try me.
Never forget shit. Do you remember the colour of the nail polish on the third finger from the left on my right hand the day we ate dinner at the KFC branch in Surulere for the third time? No? You don’t remember ANYTHING ABOUT ME! You never pay attention! Pay attention! Don’t try me.
I am not your ex. She gave you anal, I’m a tight-ass. Don’t compare us okay? I’m not your sister either. Don’t try me.
Now now, look here nigga. I’m the only one allowed to nag. Please don’t be all up in my grill talmbout “Where you at? I called yo’ mamma, lil’ brother, sister, Jane, Susan and nobody knows where you are. You better get yo ass back home!” Don’t be a bitch. That’s my job!
Don’t ever EVER make fun of me. Ever.
January 1: 10 am “Baby, wanna come over get some o’ this D?”
January 2: 10:30 am “Yo shawty, wanna get some?”
January 3: 10 am “So I was thinking, it’s been almost 24 hours since I had some pussy”
Look yeah, I understand that your testosterone level would give 5 escaped convicts and a battalion of soldiers back from war a run for their money, but what the fuck? Show me some affection. But that can’t be your only hustle.
And just cos I’m real nice;
Homosexuals
Always ALWAYS drop the soap. You don’t have to pick it up, but you have to attempt to… ϑ
If my father asks, you’re my church counselor
The fact that we’re homosexual faggots doesn’t mean you have to spend 3 hours in the bathroom working on your eye liner. We’re men gaddemmit
Don’t use up all the lube. I need some o’ that good shit too
Even when you’re mad, don’t fucking bite!
You gotta say you love me. I got feelings too y’know. And don’t fuss when it’s your turn to be the big spoon.
Don’t show off too much when you’re at the gym. Don’t want the lady scum ogling my baby. Don’t want the faggots ogling you either, so cool it.
Again, the soap. Don’t forget it. Drop it like it’s hot.
If our pictures ever leak, I want the top bunk in our cell okay? Just putting it out there…
Yeah.
So… how will you repay me for the words of wisdom I have placed on digital stone?
Oh that’s easy. If this made you smile in the least, please drop a comment. Thanks.
Sep 3, 2012
Feb 24, 2012
life's lessons
Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Charles, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Charles says, “I’ll give you N100K to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Charles.
After a few seconds, Charles hands her N100k and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Charles the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the N100k he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Charles, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Charles says, “I’ll give you N100K to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Charles.
After a few seconds, Charles hands her N100k and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Charles the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the N100k he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
kiss and tell :|
The party season is about to begin and it’s time for some of us to brush up our social skills! Especially when it comes to greeting the host or vague acquaintances whose last name you just can’t remember!
I already dread this season more than our unpredictable monsoon! As I still don’t know how the hell does one air kiss a woman? Or, what do I do with my hands when I lean sixty degrees to make the “mwah” sound close to her cheek? The last time, I had to air kiss someone, I ended up putting my hand around her waist and “mwahing” into her ear!
It’s funny that air kissing is rapidly creeping out of party circuits into our homes and replacing good old “namaste”, though it’s considered in the land of Hollywood as an “insincere and childish practice of contemporary showbiz society” which largely comprises of the “maws” – model/actress/whatever!
Which explains why the sound is sometimes “maw mwah”! The only reason why it’s a widely accepted form of greeting is because those at the receiving end of the air kiss have often spent considerable time on their make-up and don’t want it spoilt by your inconsiderate lips.
So they prefer this near-miss kiss with a sound effect to exaggerate the pretence of a genuine kiss. By the way, I am told the ideal distance between two people during an air kiss is between one to three feet. Anything more than that would end up as a vulgar gesture with your lips!
Greeting someone depends a lot on geography. Cheek kissing is socially acceptable in Russia but frowned upon in Europe. But cheek kissing a woman who is not related to you could land you in serious trouble in the Middle East.
As for New Zealand, some Kiwis still greet each other by pressing their respective noses together. It’s known as Hongi, though people who’ve just got a nose job done are advised to stick to the old fashioned handshake.
The idea behind pressing noses is supposed to be symbolic of sharing the breath of life, which again is all fine so long as the other person doesn’t suffer from bad breath or a running nose!
But this party season, I am contemplating on greeting people in Chinese “kowtow” style –which is by kneeling and bowing so low as to touch my head to the ground!
I already dread this season more than our unpredictable monsoon! As I still don’t know how the hell does one air kiss a woman? Or, what do I do with my hands when I lean sixty degrees to make the “mwah” sound close to her cheek? The last time, I had to air kiss someone, I ended up putting my hand around her waist and “mwahing” into her ear!
It’s funny that air kissing is rapidly creeping out of party circuits into our homes and replacing good old “namaste”, though it’s considered in the land of Hollywood as an “insincere and childish practice of contemporary showbiz society” which largely comprises of the “maws” – model/actress/whatever!
Which explains why the sound is sometimes “maw mwah”! The only reason why it’s a widely accepted form of greeting is because those at the receiving end of the air kiss have often spent considerable time on their make-up and don’t want it spoilt by your inconsiderate lips.
So they prefer this near-miss kiss with a sound effect to exaggerate the pretence of a genuine kiss. By the way, I am told the ideal distance between two people during an air kiss is between one to three feet. Anything more than that would end up as a vulgar gesture with your lips!
Greeting someone depends a lot on geography. Cheek kissing is socially acceptable in Russia but frowned upon in Europe. But cheek kissing a woman who is not related to you could land you in serious trouble in the Middle East.
As for New Zealand, some Kiwis still greet each other by pressing their respective noses together. It’s known as Hongi, though people who’ve just got a nose job done are advised to stick to the old fashioned handshake.
The idea behind pressing noses is supposed to be symbolic of sharing the breath of life, which again is all fine so long as the other person doesn’t suffer from bad breath or a running nose!
But this party season, I am contemplating on greeting people in Chinese “kowtow” style –which is by kneeling and bowing so low as to touch my head to the ground!
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