Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Charles, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Charles says, “I’ll give you N100K to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Charles.
After a few seconds, Charles hands her N100k and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Charles the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the N100k he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Feb 24, 2012
kiss and tell :|
The party season is about to begin and it’s time for some of us to brush up our social skills! Especially when it comes to greeting the host or vague acquaintances whose last name you just can’t remember!
I already dread this season more than our unpredictable monsoon! As I still don’t know how the hell does one air kiss a woman? Or, what do I do with my hands when I lean sixty degrees to make the “mwah” sound close to her cheek? The last time, I had to air kiss someone, I ended up putting my hand around her waist and “mwahing” into her ear!
It’s funny that air kissing is rapidly creeping out of party circuits into our homes and replacing good old “namaste”, though it’s considered in the land of Hollywood as an “insincere and childish practice of contemporary showbiz society” which largely comprises of the “maws” – model/actress/whatever!
Which explains why the sound is sometimes “maw mwah”! The only reason why it’s a widely accepted form of greeting is because those at the receiving end of the air kiss have often spent considerable time on their make-up and don’t want it spoilt by your inconsiderate lips.
So they prefer this near-miss kiss with a sound effect to exaggerate the pretence of a genuine kiss. By the way, I am told the ideal distance between two people during an air kiss is between one to three feet. Anything more than that would end up as a vulgar gesture with your lips!
Greeting someone depends a lot on geography. Cheek kissing is socially acceptable in Russia but frowned upon in Europe. But cheek kissing a woman who is not related to you could land you in serious trouble in the Middle East.
As for New Zealand, some Kiwis still greet each other by pressing their respective noses together. It’s known as Hongi, though people who’ve just got a nose job done are advised to stick to the old fashioned handshake.
The idea behind pressing noses is supposed to be symbolic of sharing the breath of life, which again is all fine so long as the other person doesn’t suffer from bad breath or a running nose!
But this party season, I am contemplating on greeting people in Chinese “kowtow” style –which is by kneeling and bowing so low as to touch my head to the ground!
I already dread this season more than our unpredictable monsoon! As I still don’t know how the hell does one air kiss a woman? Or, what do I do with my hands when I lean sixty degrees to make the “mwah” sound close to her cheek? The last time, I had to air kiss someone, I ended up putting my hand around her waist and “mwahing” into her ear!
It’s funny that air kissing is rapidly creeping out of party circuits into our homes and replacing good old “namaste”, though it’s considered in the land of Hollywood as an “insincere and childish practice of contemporary showbiz society” which largely comprises of the “maws” – model/actress/whatever!
Which explains why the sound is sometimes “maw mwah”! The only reason why it’s a widely accepted form of greeting is because those at the receiving end of the air kiss have often spent considerable time on their make-up and don’t want it spoilt by your inconsiderate lips.
So they prefer this near-miss kiss with a sound effect to exaggerate the pretence of a genuine kiss. By the way, I am told the ideal distance between two people during an air kiss is between one to three feet. Anything more than that would end up as a vulgar gesture with your lips!
Greeting someone depends a lot on geography. Cheek kissing is socially acceptable in Russia but frowned upon in Europe. But cheek kissing a woman who is not related to you could land you in serious trouble in the Middle East.
As for New Zealand, some Kiwis still greet each other by pressing their respective noses together. It’s known as Hongi, though people who’ve just got a nose job done are advised to stick to the old fashioned handshake.
The idea behind pressing noses is supposed to be symbolic of sharing the breath of life, which again is all fine so long as the other person doesn’t suffer from bad breath or a running nose!
But this party season, I am contemplating on greeting people in Chinese “kowtow” style –which is by kneeling and bowing so low as to touch my head to the ground!
Oct 2, 2011
Know Your Nigerian Political Dictionary...
While getting head from my girlfriend, I was thinking about my dead school mate and then, all of a sudden, I farted a big juicy stinky one...my girlfriend is nigerian, i guess u know the rest of the story. That was the begining of a 'not so fun' day. My dstv subscription had expired, almost 3 days now...i was left with viewing ait nd the likes, stuck here watching the news and omogbone wiliki ( did i get that right?) a popular news caster on ait came up with one of her usuals. I noticed the politicians were making sounds but they made more of noise to me rather than sense. I knew i had to blog about this....
KNOW YOUR POLITICAL DICTIONARY!!!
Senate: Presidential rubber stamp for unpopular laws and illegal constitutional ammendments.
Babacracy: Unitary system of Governnment headed by a powerful life President. Minimum age of 60 required. See also, Nigerian "democracy".
Chief: Traditional title sold by traditional rulers to the highest bidder.
Honorary degree: A "doctorate" degree confered on an individual by a higher Institution primarily as a form of political patronage.
Privatisation: Sale of public property to members of a countries' ruling political party and other sycophants.
BPE: Bureau of Private Enrichment. See also, Privatisation.
Runway: Recreation park for cattle
Democracy defenders: People who "oppose" the ruling party on the basis of their exclusion from revenue "sharing."
No-go-area: The real problem with a country that are not supposed to be discussed while trivial matters are being discussed. See also, Federalism, resource control, e.t.c
Court order: Worthless piece of paper that is not binding on the Presidential and Legislative arms of government.
Sacred cows: Members of the ruling party of a nation.
Universities: Nigerian synonym for glorified secondary schools.Here are a few www.covenantuniversity.edu.ng www.run.edu.ng and a host of others
Probe panel: Job opportunity for unemployed political hangers-on. See also, constitutional reform committee, Oputa panel e.t.c
That should be all for now, I have to get a full write-up to my girlfriend explaing the cause of my misconduct
KNOW YOUR POLITICAL DICTIONARY!!!
Senate: Presidential rubber stamp for unpopular laws and illegal constitutional ammendments.
Babacracy: Unitary system of Governnment headed by a powerful life President. Minimum age of 60 required. See also, Nigerian "democracy".
Chief: Traditional title sold by traditional rulers to the highest bidder.
Honorary degree: A "doctorate" degree confered on an individual by a higher Institution primarily as a form of political patronage.
Privatisation: Sale of public property to members of a countries' ruling political party and other sycophants.
BPE: Bureau of Private Enrichment. See also, Privatisation.
Runway: Recreation park for cattle
Democracy defenders: People who "oppose" the ruling party on the basis of their exclusion from revenue "sharing."
No-go-area: The real problem with a country that are not supposed to be discussed while trivial matters are being discussed. See also, Federalism, resource control, e.t.c
Court order: Worthless piece of paper that is not binding on the Presidential and Legislative arms of government.
Sacred cows: Members of the ruling party of a nation.
Universities: Nigerian synonym for glorified secondary schools.
That should be all for now, I have to get a full write-up to my girlfriend explaing the cause of my misconduct
Oct 1, 2011
The Curious Case Of Crappy Tattoos
A little-known fact about me: I love tattoos. So much so that I decided to get one strewn across by dick during 1 of my crazy moments . While there is the chance I'll probably end up regretting it when my Nigerian metabolism begins to slow down and the b-boy inside my right bicep begins to do a handstand on either a varicose vein or stretch mark, I can at least take solace that I can still conceal them in case this music **** doesn't pan out and I have to go back to completing TPS reports for Waste Management while wearing a long-sleeve button-up and tie and earning mega wages.
Again.
If anything, I can credit for my mother for instilling a sense of professionalism during my rather intriguing upbringing, if only for the fact she raised me in a manner that would make her look "ideal" to her fellow Igbo associates. See, Nigerians - in all their email scamming, oil skimming, Nollywood glory - have this thing about them where they want to peacock for the public eye regardless of whatever fallacies are going on in their private lives. That's why the president of Nigeria's name is Goodluck Jonathan (Goodluck. ******* Jonathan.) of all things. It's also why my moms is scared that I'll **** around and ink my entire body, looking more like JR Smith than Christopher "Kid" Reid.
As a person who already has enough trouble going to the bank to make a deposit without getting a look from the teller that questions how I'm dropping off a decently sized paycheck every month while still dressed in the same oversized-yet-comfortable pajamas I've had since secondary school (people say the name of he school sounds like a malaria drug...that aside), I can wholeheartedly say that I'm not that stupid.
I can't speak for everybody, however, as you can see with sudden increase in half-wit rappers splaying tattoos on their faces as if they were OG Bobby Johnson. Perhaps convinced that they lack the intuition and know-how to sell crack rocks or the ability to shoot a wicked jump shot, they get inked up with the idea of making a "statement," "expressing creative individuality" or whatever faygo logic rappers think is innovative enough to explain the reason they got the equivalent of receiving a rim job from a poisonous cobra on their cheekbone.
Pause at that entire visual.
My mother won't ever have to worry that I would do something as outlandish as tattooing a body part that's immediately visible.
We as a ppl always fall for the trends hollywood wants us to follow. N!ggas are stupid. A tattoo on ur face means u dont want **** outta life,u dont want a career,u dont wanna be takin seriously,u are starving for attention and ur ignorant. Dont get me wrong i have a tattoo but it is coverable as well as visible (if u must know..its uyi's name nd its on my dick) L☺L . But these dummies (tyga,lil wayne,gucci,yg,nipsey hustle,baby,and ppl who think they are gonna be rappers or athletes for the rest of their lives)make us as a ppl look so stupid. Why would u put ink on ur face let alone ya whole body? Whitey likes when blackey is bamboozled by trends whitey gives black ppl. Stand out neva stand IN...FRESTOE HAS SPOKEN
Again.
If anything, I can credit for my mother for instilling a sense of professionalism during my rather intriguing upbringing, if only for the fact she raised me in a manner that would make her look "ideal" to her fellow Igbo associates. See, Nigerians - in all their email scamming, oil skimming, Nollywood glory - have this thing about them where they want to peacock for the public eye regardless of whatever fallacies are going on in their private lives. That's why the president of Nigeria's name is Goodluck Jonathan (Goodluck. ******* Jonathan.) of all things. It's also why my moms is scared that I'll **** around and ink my entire body, looking more like JR Smith than Christopher "Kid" Reid.
As a person who already has enough trouble going to the bank to make a deposit without getting a look from the teller that questions how I'm dropping off a decently sized paycheck every month while still dressed in the same oversized-yet-comfortable pajamas I've had since secondary school (people say the name of he school sounds like a malaria drug...that aside), I can wholeheartedly say that I'm not that stupid.
I can't speak for everybody, however, as you can see with sudden increase in half-wit rappers splaying tattoos on their faces as if they were OG Bobby Johnson. Perhaps convinced that they lack the intuition and know-how to sell crack rocks or the ability to shoot a wicked jump shot, they get inked up with the idea of making a "statement," "expressing creative individuality" or whatever faygo logic rappers think is innovative enough to explain the reason they got the equivalent of receiving a rim job from a poisonous cobra on their cheekbone.
Pause at that entire visual.
My mother won't ever have to worry that I would do something as outlandish as tattooing a body part that's immediately visible.
We as a ppl always fall for the trends hollywood wants us to follow. N!ggas are stupid. A tattoo on ur face means u dont want **** outta life,u dont want a career,u dont wanna be takin seriously,u are starving for attention and ur ignorant. Dont get me wrong i have a tattoo but it is coverable as well as visible (if u must know..its uyi's name nd its on my dick) L☺L . But these dummies (tyga,lil wayne,gucci,yg,nipsey hustle,baby,and ppl who think they are gonna be rappers or athletes for the rest of their lives)make us as a ppl look so stupid. Why would u put ink on ur face let alone ya whole body? Whitey likes when blackey is bamboozled by trends whitey gives black ppl. Stand out neva stand IN...FRESTOE HAS SPOKEN
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